YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
