I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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