let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
