all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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