3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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