Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
