The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
