made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
