Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
