4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
