Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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