I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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