who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
