So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
