dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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