You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
