Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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