Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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