some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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