If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
