She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
