I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize