Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
