I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
