Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
