And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
