ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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