apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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