we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
