Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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