I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
