I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
