Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
