what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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