Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I puked a lego.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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