Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
