Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize