saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
