dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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