Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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