the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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