The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
