Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
