I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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