He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
