Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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