life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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