trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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