Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
