It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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