The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
