Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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