I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
