So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
