I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
