Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
