Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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