Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
