I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
