I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
