so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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